The Tank Diaries:

My friends Melissa and Dave decided that they where going to go to Canada to visit friends and what not and they asked me to watch their four month old puppy Tank for them. These are our stories of life with Tank.
Part One: After getting Tank home. I let him out to meet Mom and Ron. He is fine. Gets to know Moms dogs, while Tank and I are walking back to my room he stops in the living room and pees on the floor. I call it good, Moms dogs pee and poop in the living room what’s a little more pee going to hurt? Then meets my dog who is a complete bitch to him. Tank gets and hour of play/ adventure time before bed. We discover that he can jump over the gate that keeps Moms dogs in the living room. This is a whole new ball game now. I put Tank to bed in his crate and he whines like a bitch. Half way thru the night Lady decided she is going to torment Tank by walking up to his kennel getting him to bark and wake me up. I tell Lady to knock it off she does then does it again. After I swat Lady’s butt for doing it again and waking me back up she does it yet another time right in front of me. I finally got tired of it and kicked Lady out of the room for the rest of the night. The next morning I get up to get ready for work and Tank is running around my room with me. While Im in the bathroom brushing my teeth he comes in stands next to me and puts his paws on the vanity. I squeeze out a little tooth paste for him put it on the tip of my finger and let him try it. Hang out with Mom and Tank in the kitchen for a while. Tank is playing with a pull rope toy and slaps himself in the face with it yelps and I laugh my ass off. I make me a snack and go to sit at the kitchen table and Tank jumps up on the chair and won’t let me sit down. I have to move him. Tank then tries to sit on my lap while I eat my waffle. I get him settled and get him to sit down and gave him a piece of my waffle with no butter or syrup on it. I then head to my room to change and watch the boob tube. After a bit of no Tank in my room I get up to find him sitting on the couch right next to Mom getting loves from her. On Saturday I get home from work and play with all the dogs some more and then Mom says. Tank got out today and ran over to the apartment complex. I said “what! How! Please don’t let him out of the house with out his leash. I don’t want a giant vet bill because he was hit and I don’t want to have to tell Dave or Melissa I killed you’re dog or he ran away on my watch”. She goes “He came right back to me Tim. I just called his name whistled and clapped my hands and he came running”. Mom and Ron leave for and Tank and I are in my room watching tv and he is chilling with me on my bed. We play for a while Tank falls asleep and shortly after that I fall asleep and we took a two hour nap. I was shocked he didn’t get down and go create havoc in the house. I do have to say it is a blast watching Tank. It is some work getting used to a 4 month old puppy. My dog is almost 16 and it has been a good 10 plus years since I have had a puppy around. However I have told Melissa on several occasions after her telling me to stop spoiling her dog “No he’s on vacation tooo, He gets to chill relax and do as he feels fit.” Provided he doesn’t annoy or piss me off.

Happy Birthday Dani

So today part of my family got together for my niece Dani’s birthday dinner. So Danny, Lori, Miles, Dani, and I all went o Outback for dinner. It is probably my favorite restaurant. We are waiting for dinner to arrive and my brother Danny leans over to me and whispers in my ear. “Tim don’t look right now but the guy next to us and part of his blooming onion in his beard”. So I wait a couple seconds look around the room then look over at the guy, turn back to Danny and bust up laughing. Our food arrives and we pig out. It comes time for us to leave and we are standing outside shooting the shit. Danny tells me a joke and I tell Danny one. Lori comes back from the pickup truck with a post it note that was on the ground next to the truck that said “I suck fat cock”. I had to have it. So I told them about the picture I took in Portland of the “queef out some bukkake” that was plastered to the side of an Asian Reporter news paper box. They all die of laughter, then Lori goes you still have never told me what that means. I look at her and go Dustin and I told you what “bukkake” meant when we lived in Ridgefield. So I told her it was a Japanese art form of covering someone or something in semen. So then I go “you don’t know what a queef is oh ok its when you fart from you’re pussy”. We all die of laughter. Dani and Miles are to the point of tears and then they tell me that two old ladies had walked up behind me and the old ladies thought that I had asked them what a queef was then explained it out loud. I died again to the point of tears running down my face, so was Lori and Dani. I then looked at Dani and said “Happy Birthday that was you’re gift”. I can’t believe that I accidently asked and old lady what a queef was and then told her what it was.

Why are you talking to me?

So I haven’t blogged in a while due to several facts. One the freak ass snow storm that trapped me in my home, plus then when I was able to leave I had to use my parents 4 wheel drive truck. Being trapped at home just sucked the life out of me. It spurned the you need to get shit done list and that is now just piling high with crap I need to do. How ever most of the things on the list require non freezing weather. Can someone tell me how I can drive 60 mile round trip to and from my house for work and get there fine? However there was twice that I pulled in the driveway and almost hit the house and almost clipped a telephone pole also. I have 10 inches on snow being around for weeks on end.
Then in the mean time I rang in the New Year with the flu. I thought at one point I was going to have to go to the hospital because I couldn’t keep food or water down. I decided I where to die that I would just rather do it in my bed that at the hospital. It took me almost two weeks to kick the crap.
Then comes my birthday, which my mother FORGOT! Yeah that’s right my own mother forgot my birthday. The next day I call her out on it and she had the nerve to ague with me and tell me that I was mistaken that it wasn’t my birthday. I just stood there dumb founded. WHAT I have had to same birthday for thirty years you can’t change the date now because you forgot it. Sometimes I wonder if I’m adopted. My family is crazy and they are just going to drive me into a loony bin one day.
Then I don’t know why this side of me comes out but I can’t stand people who think that they are the shit and that their shit doesn’t stink. I see this guys profile on a online dating website. He seems nice so I send him a message his response to me says “would love to meet with you for a beer. However I am a big deal in the community and I can’t be seen with openly gay people.” I send him the following response “I’m sorry to burst you’re bubble but I have never heard of you and you need serious help. No one gives a shit about you.” It’s at this point that I realized that this is why I’m not in a relationship. I don’t put up with peoples bullshit.Why do people find it necessary to tell me shit about them, if you are a friend then ok please tell me about you’re life. How ever if I don’t know you I don’t want to talk to you because you will say something stupid to me and then I will have to say mean shit to you. Like the co worker who told me that “aids was created to kill blacks, gays, needle users, and others who commit sinful acts.” Ok then why is this guy married and hitting on every Asian woman for a mile. Or how about the piece of crap that claims to be a friend and yet has to tell me that his father likes to use the word “faggot.” Listen I don’t care what you’re piece of shit father has to say. I will never meet this piece of shit and if I do it’s not going to be a pretty sight. My friend Melissa has a friend named “J. F.” that hates the gay as she puts it. So I have told Melissa that I have no desire to hear about “J. F.” or to ever meet her. Now I’m at Melissa’s house scrapbooking one day and who knocks on the door. So I just continued to scrapbook. Melissa introduces me to her. I say “hi” and call it good. I will not be rude to one of Melissa’s friends in her house I feel that is disrespectful however I have told Melissa that if she ever tries to get me and “JF” to be friends I would leave. I have no desire to speak to someone who thinks that I am a “sinner”, “abomination” I don’t need this in my life and I don’t need to hear it from friends.