The Cautious Adventurist

I consider myself a cautious adventurist. Now I know that doesn’t sound right or work all the time. There was the time that Dustin and I went to pride in Portland and then decided to walk through China Town and then to Pioneer Court House Square and neither of us knew where it was or how to get there. I want to say that this was about five years ago. So we just started walking and hoped we would stumble upon it. We did, then for me the adventure began. We get there and are standing across the street and we didn’t know what to do from there. We are standing there bewildered as to what to do. Then a 45 to 50 year old black man see’s us and screams across the street at us. He comes over to us and starts talking to us. Dustin and I came to the conclusion that he was our spirit guide. He starts walking and talking to us and says “do you guys want the scenic tour or the bullshit tour?” At this point in time I’m all in and am ready to go on an adventure. Dustin says “ok”. Now we are two minutes into meeting this guy and he tells us “I don’t normally talk to white people, but you two look civilized” DONE I’M IN. So then he walks us to the Abercrombie and Fitch and tells us that this store used to be a Woolworths’ style store. I naturally say “really” he then says that he and his friend back then where ‘helping the store go out of business” then he used some phrase that Dustin and I have never heard before for stealing. Then he takes us to this upscale French restaurant and blows past the lady at the front counter and says to her in passing “I’m showing these guys around” he then starts a conversation with the waiter about some person who plays guitar there and the waiter just looked like he wanted to punch the guy. I then decide that I no longer want to be on this adventure and have no idea of how to end it. We start to walk down the street and stop to look in some windows and expensive jewelry and then he notices that we both have stickers on that say I Support Pride. He is taken aback buy this then decides the tour needs some revamping. He then decides to walk us to the art museum. In the process of crossing the street he stops and points out a church steeple and says “look at the architecture” he repeats this phrase several times for the next half hour and he drags us around. We get to the art museum and he walks right up to the security guard and says he is giving us a tour and that he wants to show us around. Now I notice that there is a party going on. The guard tells him that there is a private party and we have to leave. So Dustin and I turn around and start to walk out. I then notice in the arch way to the room where the party is at that they have armed guards standing around. I grabbed Dustin and we bailed out of there fast. We are half way down the street when he catches up with us. He says “I distracted the guy you should have run into the room”. I then point out that they had armed guards he then says “they wouldn’t have shot you guys, you’re white”. It is not 6pm and this guy had been with us for two hours. I say thank you for the tour and say we have to go. He walks back to Pioneer Court House Square with us. The entire time he his telling us the sob story of his life. I then notice he smells of alcohol. He then asked for money. I knew I had a five and a one in my pocket. I just reached in and blindly gave him a dollar bill and called it good. I thanked him and wished him well.

I then look at Dustin and say he smelt of booze, Dusting said “I know I smelt it on him when he came over to us at first. We then discuss how we need to have a communication system when some strange person wants to drag us around drunk.  It’s now later and the sun is starting to set and we walk back thru China Town to get back to the car at the waterfront. In retelling this story to a couple friends the looked on in horror as I told them we walked thru China Town and night. I just looked at them and said we followed the drag queens that where dressed as Bette Davis, and Joan Crawford from the movie What Ever Happened To Baby Jane. Plus drag queen are tough and the noticed out support pride stickers so I have no doubt they would have assisted in our rescue. Plus do you want to fuck with to drag queen dressed as the meanest ladies in the world?

From the files of WTF

Most of the time I have an inner safeguard system that keeps me from saying the meanest stuff to people. Like the fact that I know several people around me who are back stabbers and two faced and just generally unsavory and happy people. I know that I should just look at them all and tell them that they are full of shit and to shut their fucking mouths, but I would lose out on hearing how lame people are just how nut jobs crazy people are. The latter is my favorite on of all time. I love to know that people are bat shit crazy it entertains me. The crazier the better! Like on example is a person I know by the name of Montana (name has been changed to protect the crazy). Montana is a die hard republican thinks abortions should be illegal and is saving her virginity for marriage she was even convincing other employees to become celibate. Everyone knows as soon as you let the tiger out the cage and its good you don’t want to stop then wait for marriage. Plus I’m sorry I fully believe that you should take it for a test drive before you purchase the car. If the car is a dead lay I do have to say that I will move on and call it a lesson learned. Kind of like the guy with the small penis. I’m sorry don’t tell me it is 7 inches and then show up and it is only three. I was “excuse me, what, I’m done, and I’m going home.” Back to Montana she is nuts she believes all this and then steals money from the company and from ME she stole my tips. Then acts as if the are my best friend at work. Who does that but a crazy person?

So here is a creepy moment I had the other day. I was at home watching TV when a St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital commercial came on. I was like I need to donate to them. I have decided since all the religious organizations’ are going to use their great wealth to take away gay rights I was going to do me best to make sure that children would have a slightly better life.  The other day in the mail I get a letter from St. Jude’s asking for a contribution and it was from a guy I went to high school with and I haven’t seen in ten years. I have no idea how he got my address but I took it as a sign that I should donate. If these religious organizations’ aren’t going to gods work I will give it a shot.

The Funny Canadian

I have a new friend Melissa and have been hanging out with her often. We now even go to the same gym together. I meet Melissa about two months ago through Joe. We hit it off instantly. We have the same sense of humor and clique really well. So we had been hanging out I want to say for a good month before I meet her hubby. She tried to get me to come over one night to meet and have dinner and I fanned some excuse not to go. I was really nervous about meeting him. I get two reactions from straight guys they either get me and like me or hate me. There is no in between. So I really didn’t want to meet Dave. Melissa kept up and I finally caved a day later to come over. I get there and Dave is nice and quiet. I really felt awkward. Melissa and I have always been loud mean and catty with each other and I didn’t know how Dave would respond to that so I made idol chit chat. It was fun and nice. Dave made and awesome dinner I loved it. I kind of wish Dave would cook for me all the time. So during dinner we are chatting about making fun of coworkers and Dave says “I don’t really make fun of my coworkers, they are usually making fun of me.” I naturally asked why. Dave is nice, good looking and seemed like a normal guy. He then says “I’m the only non white guy at work”. Now Melissa and I look at each other and erupt in laughter. Dave meant to say that he was the only “non American” at work, Dave is from the country I love the most Canada. I think that was my first foreign county I went to when I was a kid with me dad in his 18 wheeler I remember having the most fun with him. After that slip it was so funny. Melissa then tells me that he says the best one liners. On Halloween I’m driving home from work and I get a comment on the MySpace page from Melissa telling about Dave’s latest comment. Here is what she left me “Be Prepared to laugh your ass off! So, Dave, Damien and I passed out candy tonight, while watching " The Great Pumpkin"... But that not the funny part...

A group of about 7 teenagers came to the door... And Dave was acting like the cool guy passing out candy, because he got the Big Candy bars for the Kids... When the last kid got his candy he told told Dave his costume was Micheal Myers, but his mask was in his bag... Dave replies " Oh he is Canadian, so you get extra candy!' ROTFLMAO! The Kid walked away giggling and Dave didn't get it! Well, I guess we have to excuse Dave... Since he is the only non-white guy in the neighborhood! HAHAHA!”

I laughed my ass off so hard I almost wrecked my car reading that. I respond back saying that Michael Meyers was from the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. To which when I was pumping gas 5 min later I realized that Michael Meyers was from the Halloween movies. I laughed about this every time I think about it.

Now I really like Dave. I think he is hilarious and the nicest guy in the world. Plus if Cowlitz 2 fire had more hot firefighters like Dave this town wouldn’t be such a dump.