The Cautious Adventurist

I consider myself a cautious adventurist. Now I know that doesn’t sound right or work all the time. There was the time that Dustin and I went to pride in Portland and then decided to walk through China Town and then to Pioneer Court House Square and neither of us knew where it was or how to get there. I want to say that this was about five years ago. So we just started walking and hoped we would stumble upon it. We did, then for me the adventure began. We get there and are standing across the street and we didn’t know what to do from there. We are standing there bewildered as to what to do. Then a 45 to 50 year old black man see’s us and screams across the street at us. He comes over to us and starts talking to us. Dustin and I came to the conclusion that he was our spirit guide. He starts walking and talking to us and says “do you guys want the scenic tour or the bullshit tour?” At this point in time I’m all in and am ready to go on an adventure. Dustin says “ok”. Now we are two minutes into meeting this guy and he tells us “I don’t normally talk to white people, but you two look civilized” DONE I’M IN. So then he walks us to the Abercrombie and Fitch and tells us that this store used to be a Woolworths’ style store. I naturally say “really” he then says that he and his friend back then where ‘helping the store go out of business” then he used some phrase that Dustin and I have never heard before for stealing. Then he takes us to this upscale French restaurant and blows past the lady at the front counter and says to her in passing “I’m showing these guys around” he then starts a conversation with the waiter about some person who plays guitar there and the waiter just looked like he wanted to punch the guy. I then decide that I no longer want to be on this adventure and have no idea of how to end it. We start to walk down the street and stop to look in some windows and expensive jewelry and then he notices that we both have stickers on that say I Support Pride. He is taken aback buy this then decides the tour needs some revamping. He then decides to walk us to the art museum. In the process of crossing the street he stops and points out a church steeple and says “look at the architecture” he repeats this phrase several times for the next half hour and he drags us around. We get to the art museum and he walks right up to the security guard and says he is giving us a tour and that he wants to show us around. Now I notice that there is a party going on. The guard tells him that there is a private party and we have to leave. So Dustin and I turn around and start to walk out. I then notice in the arch way to the room where the party is at that they have armed guards standing around. I grabbed Dustin and we bailed out of there fast. We are half way down the street when he catches up with us. He says “I distracted the guy you should have run into the room”. I then point out that they had armed guards he then says “they wouldn’t have shot you guys, you’re white”. It is not 6pm and this guy had been with us for two hours. I say thank you for the tour and say we have to go. He walks back to Pioneer Court House Square with us. The entire time he his telling us the sob story of his life. I then notice he smells of alcohol. He then asked for money. I knew I had a five and a one in my pocket. I just reached in and blindly gave him a dollar bill and called it good. I thanked him and wished him well.

I then look at Dustin and say he smelt of booze, Dusting said “I know I smelt it on him when he came over to us at first. We then discuss how we need to have a communication system when some strange person wants to drag us around drunk.  It’s now later and the sun is starting to set and we walk back thru China Town to get back to the car at the waterfront. In retelling this story to a couple friends the looked on in horror as I told them we walked thru China Town and night. I just looked at them and said we followed the drag queens that where dressed as Bette Davis, and Joan Crawford from the movie What Ever Happened To Baby Jane. Plus drag queen are tough and the noticed out support pride stickers so I have no doubt they would have assisted in our rescue. Plus do you want to fuck with to drag queen dressed as the meanest ladies in the world?