The Tank Diaries:

My friends Melissa and Dave decided that they where going to go to Canada to visit friends and what not and they asked me to watch their four month old puppy Tank for them. These are our stories of life with Tank.
Part One: After getting Tank home. I let him out to meet Mom and Ron. He is fine. Gets to know Moms dogs, while Tank and I are walking back to my room he stops in the living room and pees on the floor. I call it good, Moms dogs pee and poop in the living room what’s a little more pee going to hurt? Then meets my dog who is a complete bitch to him. Tank gets and hour of play/ adventure time before bed. We discover that he can jump over the gate that keeps Moms dogs in the living room. This is a whole new ball game now. I put Tank to bed in his crate and he whines like a bitch. Half way thru the night Lady decided she is going to torment Tank by walking up to his kennel getting him to bark and wake me up. I tell Lady to knock it off she does then does it again. After I swat Lady’s butt for doing it again and waking me back up she does it yet another time right in front of me. I finally got tired of it and kicked Lady out of the room for the rest of the night. The next morning I get up to get ready for work and Tank is running around my room with me. While Im in the bathroom brushing my teeth he comes in stands next to me and puts his paws on the vanity. I squeeze out a little tooth paste for him put it on the tip of my finger and let him try it. Hang out with Mom and Tank in the kitchen for a while. Tank is playing with a pull rope toy and slaps himself in the face with it yelps and I laugh my ass off. I make me a snack and go to sit at the kitchen table and Tank jumps up on the chair and won’t let me sit down. I have to move him. Tank then tries to sit on my lap while I eat my waffle. I get him settled and get him to sit down and gave him a piece of my waffle with no butter or syrup on it. I then head to my room to change and watch the boob tube. After a bit of no Tank in my room I get up to find him sitting on the couch right next to Mom getting loves from her. On Saturday I get home from work and play with all the dogs some more and then Mom says. Tank got out today and ran over to the apartment complex. I said “what! How! Please don’t let him out of the house with out his leash. I don’t want a giant vet bill because he was hit and I don’t want to have to tell Dave or Melissa I killed you’re dog or he ran away on my watch”. She goes “He came right back to me Tim. I just called his name whistled and clapped my hands and he came running”. Mom and Ron leave for and Tank and I are in my room watching tv and he is chilling with me on my bed. We play for a while Tank falls asleep and shortly after that I fall asleep and we took a two hour nap. I was shocked he didn’t get down and go create havoc in the house. I do have to say it is a blast watching Tank. It is some work getting used to a 4 month old puppy. My dog is almost 16 and it has been a good 10 plus years since I have had a puppy around. However I have told Melissa on several occasions after her telling me to stop spoiling her dog “No he’s on vacation tooo, He gets to chill relax and do as he feels fit.” Provided he doesn’t annoy or piss me off.

Happy Birthday Dani

So today part of my family got together for my niece Dani’s birthday dinner. So Danny, Lori, Miles, Dani, and I all went o Outback for dinner. It is probably my favorite restaurant. We are waiting for dinner to arrive and my brother Danny leans over to me and whispers in my ear. “Tim don’t look right now but the guy next to us and part of his blooming onion in his beard”. So I wait a couple seconds look around the room then look over at the guy, turn back to Danny and bust up laughing. Our food arrives and we pig out. It comes time for us to leave and we are standing outside shooting the shit. Danny tells me a joke and I tell Danny one. Lori comes back from the pickup truck with a post it note that was on the ground next to the truck that said “I suck fat cock”. I had to have it. So I told them about the picture I took in Portland of the “queef out some bukkake” that was plastered to the side of an Asian Reporter news paper box. They all die of laughter, then Lori goes you still have never told me what that means. I look at her and go Dustin and I told you what “bukkake” meant when we lived in Ridgefield. So I told her it was a Japanese art form of covering someone or something in semen. So then I go “you don’t know what a queef is oh ok its when you fart from you’re pussy”. We all die of laughter. Dani and Miles are to the point of tears and then they tell me that two old ladies had walked up behind me and the old ladies thought that I had asked them what a queef was then explained it out loud. I died again to the point of tears running down my face, so was Lori and Dani. I then looked at Dani and said “Happy Birthday that was you’re gift”. I can’t believe that I accidently asked and old lady what a queef was and then told her what it was.

Why are you talking to me?

So I haven’t blogged in a while due to several facts. One the freak ass snow storm that trapped me in my home, plus then when I was able to leave I had to use my parents 4 wheel drive truck. Being trapped at home just sucked the life out of me. It spurned the you need to get shit done list and that is now just piling high with crap I need to do. How ever most of the things on the list require non freezing weather. Can someone tell me how I can drive 60 mile round trip to and from my house for work and get there fine? However there was twice that I pulled in the driveway and almost hit the house and almost clipped a telephone pole also. I have 10 inches on snow being around for weeks on end.
Then in the mean time I rang in the New Year with the flu. I thought at one point I was going to have to go to the hospital because I couldn’t keep food or water down. I decided I where to die that I would just rather do it in my bed that at the hospital. It took me almost two weeks to kick the crap.
Then comes my birthday, which my mother FORGOT! Yeah that’s right my own mother forgot my birthday. The next day I call her out on it and she had the nerve to ague with me and tell me that I was mistaken that it wasn’t my birthday. I just stood there dumb founded. WHAT I have had to same birthday for thirty years you can’t change the date now because you forgot it. Sometimes I wonder if I’m adopted. My family is crazy and they are just going to drive me into a loony bin one day.
Then I don’t know why this side of me comes out but I can’t stand people who think that they are the shit and that their shit doesn’t stink. I see this guys profile on a online dating website. He seems nice so I send him a message his response to me says “would love to meet with you for a beer. However I am a big deal in the community and I can’t be seen with openly gay people.” I send him the following response “I’m sorry to burst you’re bubble but I have never heard of you and you need serious help. No one gives a shit about you.” It’s at this point that I realized that this is why I’m not in a relationship. I don’t put up with peoples bullshit.Why do people find it necessary to tell me shit about them, if you are a friend then ok please tell me about you’re life. How ever if I don’t know you I don’t want to talk to you because you will say something stupid to me and then I will have to say mean shit to you. Like the co worker who told me that “aids was created to kill blacks, gays, needle users, and others who commit sinful acts.” Ok then why is this guy married and hitting on every Asian woman for a mile. Or how about the piece of crap that claims to be a friend and yet has to tell me that his father likes to use the word “faggot.” Listen I don’t care what you’re piece of shit father has to say. I will never meet this piece of shit and if I do it’s not going to be a pretty sight. My friend Melissa has a friend named “J. F.” that hates the gay as she puts it. So I have told Melissa that I have no desire to hear about “J. F.” or to ever meet her. Now I’m at Melissa’s house scrapbooking one day and who knocks on the door. So I just continued to scrapbook. Melissa introduces me to her. I say “hi” and call it good. I will not be rude to one of Melissa’s friends in her house I feel that is disrespectful however I have told Melissa that if she ever tries to get me and “JF” to be friends I would leave. I have no desire to speak to someone who thinks that I am a “sinner”, “abomination” I don’t need this in my life and I don’t need to hear it from friends.

Sorry this one is long!

What an exhausting weekend. Last weekend I went to my friend Sam’s holiday party. It was a blast. Sam and her hubby have been throwing this party for four years now and I have always had to work. I got to go this year. I show up after getting horribly lost in Battleground. What is it with sub divisions that have street numbers that make no sense. At one point and time I was on the corner of 12^th and 12^th how is this possible. They didn’t even wrap around one was a dead end and the other came off of a main street WTF! So I get there and Sam’s hubby Casey makes me strong drink. I mean it put man hairs on my chest. That’s the kind of man I like make my drink good and strong. The party was fun. It was a good chance to meet some of Sam and Casey’s friends. I do have one complaint. Now let me preface this by saying I love straight guy parties. I get to sit back and watch them. It’s so fascinating to me. So I watch Casey and his buddies hang in the kitchen. There was sadly only on hot guy there. He was cute to all trendy and trying to act cool. Plus he was dressed a little too well for a straight guy.

The next day Joe and I go to Vancouver to get my Christmas shopping out of the way. I was determined to get it all done in one day. We stop by Vancouver Mall to where I’m instantly annoyed. I get to the concierge desk to get my niece and her hubby two amex gift cards. The person is on break. WHAT! It’s the middle of holiday shopping the mall is packed with people and you ass wads at the mall can’t get and extra person for holiday time. SUCK MY BUTT! I then call Kelsi and say hey you want meet in Janzen beach. So Kelsi and Halle meet at Janzen beach we chat and laugh. We all go to dinner together at Hooters. To which I thought Halle and I where going to punch “Bob Douche Bag Barker” in the face. We sat next to some hooter girl signing calendars’ for the creepy old dudes. So “BDBB” (bob douche bag barker) keeps coming around and talking to the skank signing the calendars. He constantly bumps Halle’s chair he had to do it at least 6 times. So then he goes way. He then come back and stands right behind me. To which he bumps his back to my back 5 times. I’m pissed by bump 3. Then the fucker kicks my chair twice! Im now steaming mad and I then say out loud “I swear to god of Bob Barker hits my back or chair on more time I’m going to lose my shit”. Now Halle is roaring with laughter. So then BDBB (who is in his 60’s!) says to the calendar skank “so where do you live now? Oh Reno that must be fun.” She then tells him “Ya next time you guys come to Reno you have a place to stay”. Then Kelsi notices the best thing ever. BDBB has his grandson with him who has to be 15 wearing a zip up hoody jacket with no shirt on underneath zipped half way up with no chest hair. It was epic. We laughed so hard. I then turn my head to look at the table with a calendar on it. The calendar reads “II Kelly thank you some much”. Yep that’s right the skank used Roman numeral two for to. I notice this and being pissed already went off very loudly about “who uses Roman numeral two for to”.

Now it’s Monday and I have two birthday parties. I hang out with Melissa in the morning for her birthday, get home take a nap then head out to Candace’s birthday in ptown. We get back and head to Nikki’s Bar for the party. Which was a blast, fun and debauchery abounded. Everyone was pretty sauced and I’m at the table txting when to cook John comes up to me. I instantly recognize him from 13 years ago. John used to date my friend April. I haven’t talked to April in about 7 years. She got into drugs pretty bad after her mother died and it was just a sob story and she was trying to get her life back on track. So John says hi and asked if I knew who he was and I said yes. Now last I say John he was hot. I mean you would want him to be you’re pool boy. However 13 years has changed that. So he says to me “so you’re gay right? It’s no big deal if you are.” I tell him yes and hold my tongue. I really want to say fuck you get away from you. ASSHOLE. I haven’t seen you for 13 years and that is the first comment out of you is you’re gay aren’t you.

The Cautious Adventurist

I consider myself a cautious adventurist. Now I know that doesn’t sound right or work all the time. There was the time that Dustin and I went to pride in Portland and then decided to walk through China Town and then to Pioneer Court House Square and neither of us knew where it was or how to get there. I want to say that this was about five years ago. So we just started walking and hoped we would stumble upon it. We did, then for me the adventure began. We get there and are standing across the street and we didn’t know what to do from there. We are standing there bewildered as to what to do. Then a 45 to 50 year old black man see’s us and screams across the street at us. He comes over to us and starts talking to us. Dustin and I came to the conclusion that he was our spirit guide. He starts walking and talking to us and says “do you guys want the scenic tour or the bullshit tour?” At this point in time I’m all in and am ready to go on an adventure. Dustin says “ok”. Now we are two minutes into meeting this guy and he tells us “I don’t normally talk to white people, but you two look civilized” DONE I’M IN. So then he walks us to the Abercrombie and Fitch and tells us that this store used to be a Woolworths’ style store. I naturally say “really” he then says that he and his friend back then where ‘helping the store go out of business” then he used some phrase that Dustin and I have never heard before for stealing. Then he takes us to this upscale French restaurant and blows past the lady at the front counter and says to her in passing “I’m showing these guys around” he then starts a conversation with the waiter about some person who plays guitar there and the waiter just looked like he wanted to punch the guy. I then decide that I no longer want to be on this adventure and have no idea of how to end it. We start to walk down the street and stop to look in some windows and expensive jewelry and then he notices that we both have stickers on that say I Support Pride. He is taken aback buy this then decides the tour needs some revamping. He then decides to walk us to the art museum. In the process of crossing the street he stops and points out a church steeple and says “look at the architecture” he repeats this phrase several times for the next half hour and he drags us around. We get to the art museum and he walks right up to the security guard and says he is giving us a tour and that he wants to show us around. Now I notice that there is a party going on. The guard tells him that there is a private party and we have to leave. So Dustin and I turn around and start to walk out. I then notice in the arch way to the room where the party is at that they have armed guards standing around. I grabbed Dustin and we bailed out of there fast. We are half way down the street when he catches up with us. He says “I distracted the guy you should have run into the room”. I then point out that they had armed guards he then says “they wouldn’t have shot you guys, you’re white”. It is not 6pm and this guy had been with us for two hours. I say thank you for the tour and say we have to go. He walks back to Pioneer Court House Square with us. The entire time he his telling us the sob story of his life. I then notice he smells of alcohol. He then asked for money. I knew I had a five and a one in my pocket. I just reached in and blindly gave him a dollar bill and called it good. I thanked him and wished him well.

I then look at Dustin and say he smelt of booze, Dusting said “I know I smelt it on him when he came over to us at first. We then discuss how we need to have a communication system when some strange person wants to drag us around drunk.  It’s now later and the sun is starting to set and we walk back thru China Town to get back to the car at the waterfront. In retelling this story to a couple friends the looked on in horror as I told them we walked thru China Town and night. I just looked at them and said we followed the drag queens that where dressed as Bette Davis, and Joan Crawford from the movie What Ever Happened To Baby Jane. Plus drag queen are tough and the noticed out support pride stickers so I have no doubt they would have assisted in our rescue. Plus do you want to fuck with to drag queen dressed as the meanest ladies in the world?

From the files of WTF

Most of the time I have an inner safeguard system that keeps me from saying the meanest stuff to people. Like the fact that I know several people around me who are back stabbers and two faced and just generally unsavory and happy people. I know that I should just look at them all and tell them that they are full of shit and to shut their fucking mouths, but I would lose out on hearing how lame people are just how nut jobs crazy people are. The latter is my favorite on of all time. I love to know that people are bat shit crazy it entertains me. The crazier the better! Like on example is a person I know by the name of Montana (name has been changed to protect the crazy). Montana is a die hard republican thinks abortions should be illegal and is saving her virginity for marriage she was even convincing other employees to become celibate. Everyone knows as soon as you let the tiger out the cage and its good you don’t want to stop then wait for marriage. Plus I’m sorry I fully believe that you should take it for a test drive before you purchase the car. If the car is a dead lay I do have to say that I will move on and call it a lesson learned. Kind of like the guy with the small penis. I’m sorry don’t tell me it is 7 inches and then show up and it is only three. I was “excuse me, what, I’m done, and I’m going home.” Back to Montana she is nuts she believes all this and then steals money from the company and from ME she stole my tips. Then acts as if the are my best friend at work. Who does that but a crazy person?

So here is a creepy moment I had the other day. I was at home watching TV when a St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital commercial came on. I was like I need to donate to them. I have decided since all the religious organizations’ are going to use their great wealth to take away gay rights I was going to do me best to make sure that children would have a slightly better life.  The other day in the mail I get a letter from St. Jude’s asking for a contribution and it was from a guy I went to high school with and I haven’t seen in ten years. I have no idea how he got my address but I took it as a sign that I should donate. If these religious organizations’ aren’t going to gods work I will give it a shot.

The Funny Canadian

I have a new friend Melissa and have been hanging out with her often. We now even go to the same gym together. I meet Melissa about two months ago through Joe. We hit it off instantly. We have the same sense of humor and clique really well. So we had been hanging out I want to say for a good month before I meet her hubby. She tried to get me to come over one night to meet and have dinner and I fanned some excuse not to go. I was really nervous about meeting him. I get two reactions from straight guys they either get me and like me or hate me. There is no in between. So I really didn’t want to meet Dave. Melissa kept up and I finally caved a day later to come over. I get there and Dave is nice and quiet. I really felt awkward. Melissa and I have always been loud mean and catty with each other and I didn’t know how Dave would respond to that so I made idol chit chat. It was fun and nice. Dave made and awesome dinner I loved it. I kind of wish Dave would cook for me all the time. So during dinner we are chatting about making fun of coworkers and Dave says “I don’t really make fun of my coworkers, they are usually making fun of me.” I naturally asked why. Dave is nice, good looking and seemed like a normal guy. He then says “I’m the only non white guy at work”. Now Melissa and I look at each other and erupt in laughter. Dave meant to say that he was the only “non American” at work, Dave is from the country I love the most Canada. I think that was my first foreign county I went to when I was a kid with me dad in his 18 wheeler I remember having the most fun with him. After that slip it was so funny. Melissa then tells me that he says the best one liners. On Halloween I’m driving home from work and I get a comment on the MySpace page from Melissa telling about Dave’s latest comment. Here is what she left me “Be Prepared to laugh your ass off! So, Dave, Damien and I passed out candy tonight, while watching " The Great Pumpkin"... But that not the funny part...

A group of about 7 teenagers came to the door... And Dave was acting like the cool guy passing out candy, because he got the Big Candy bars for the Kids... When the last kid got his candy he told told Dave his costume was Micheal Myers, but his mask was in his bag... Dave replies " Oh he is Canadian, so you get extra candy!' ROTFLMAO! The Kid walked away giggling and Dave didn't get it! Well, I guess we have to excuse Dave... Since he is the only non-white guy in the neighborhood! HAHAHA!”

I laughed my ass off so hard I almost wrecked my car reading that. I respond back saying that Michael Meyers was from the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. To which when I was pumping gas 5 min later I realized that Michael Meyers was from the Halloween movies. I laughed about this every time I think about it.

Now I really like Dave. I think he is hilarious and the nicest guy in the world. Plus if Cowlitz 2 fire had more hot firefighters like Dave this town wouldn’t be such a dump.